Captivating - Ch. 6

Yes, I'm struggling along - trying to keep up with myself... and losing the battle. I've read through Ch.8 so keep reading everyone!


Okay. We're still trudging through, when along comes Ch. 6 "Healing the Wound."

Let me tell you - I know all about this one! I'm a survivor, baby! Jesus has healed my broken heart - and broke my spirit further with His Grace. He took me from a world where I thought I had everything figured out, and ripped it all away until there was just me, and just Him - and I had to look at the core of who I really was, and finally ask Him who he wanted me to be.

You know how in the 23rd Psalm, people LOVE to proclaim the great power of God's healing and helpful touch. You can hear it in their voices when they're reciting it- but when they get to that part about the "valley of the shadow of death" is when you can see who among them has BEEN in the valley and has cried out to God "Why have you forsaken me?" - only to know that he is right there beside us - sometimes even carrying us- the whole way!!! This brokenness- this living in the wilderness off of the land, is Grace too!!

I had the opportunity to hear an incredible sermon on this very topic: "The Other Side of Grace." And for some of you, you may know exactly what I'm talking about. For others, the concept of God's wrath, anger, and pride about us may seem really foreign. I'm no prophetic speaker, so let me let you hear this same sermon. Take 20 minutes while you're folding laundry and just listen. http://www.valleydale.org/templates/cusvalleydalernd/details.asp?id=32803&PID=295764&Style=#Smith (then click on "The Other Side of Grace")

I've been really blessed that when I was in the Valley - God brought me friends to sit on the side of the road with me (like Job) and just be with me. I had so many opportunities for self-discovery and realized that with God I was truly happy like never ever before. But it's a daily walk with Him, not just those glorious mountaintop experiences. And that's why I'm grateful for the opportune with you sisters, in whatever wild media format we may find ourselves in. I get such great insight (and can commiserate) with your experiences and musings on your blogs, and I don't tell you enough.

And as much as I criticize this book for its colloquialisms, literary and theatrical references- there was one part that hit home in the middle of page 107:
There is a core part of our tender hearts that was made for Daddy. Made for his strong and tender love. That part is still there, and longing. Open it to Jesus and to your Father God. Ask Him to come and love you there. Meet you there. We've all tried so hard to find the fufillment of this love in other people, and it never, ever works. Let us give this treasure back to the One who can love us best.
Amen.

Captivating - Ch.5: Blah, Blah, Blah

This chapter talks all about the ill treatment of women through time and that continues throughout the world today. It poses the question: "Where does this hatred for women seen all over the world come from? Why is it so diabolical?

::aside::
di·a·bol·i·cal adj. Of, concerning, or characteristic of the devil; satanic. Appropriate to a devil, especially in degree of wickedness or cruelty. [From Middle English deabolik, from Old French diabolique, from Late Latin diabolicus, from Latin diabolus, devil. See devil.]

So the devil hates feminity?

Is that the point John & Stasi are trying to make in this chapter?

Ummm.... okay. Whatever.

Can't say that I have much more to say about this chapter. Blah... blah.... blah....

Captivating - Chapter 4

I’ve had my doubts about whether or not I should post this on my blog – but now that I’ve written it all down, I’m at peace with every event you’re about to read. It’s part of what makes me, me. And that is exactly who God wants me to be. Thanks for reading.

“How a father relates to his daughter has an enormous effect on her soul – for good or for evil.” -page 62,Captivating

Ever see a movie or hear a story that hits a little too close to home? Yeah. That was me and Chapter 4.

When I was almost 20, 2 years into my bachelor's degree in Education, I had to take 2 or three developmental and educational physchology classes one after another. Somewhere in that first class, I started have these memories of my childhood come back to me. (I believe "supressed" is the technical term.) And most of those memories had to do with my relationship to my dad.

I remember him being around as a kid. He worked long hours from what I was told, but I remember him fixing a swing set for us in the back yard – crawling up under the house to run telephone lines- going up in the attic to put up or pull down boxes or some other junk – him horsing around with the dogs in the back yard – holding the light for him while he worked on cars. Him always taking tub baths & watching MASH on his little 8 inch screen black & white TV while in the tub. He was a cop, a truck driver, a pawn shop worker, a janitor, a groundskeeper, a retail salesman (at Radio Shack, Auto Zone, Lowe’s), and worked in a warehouse. (And all that was before I was 18 or 20.)

But as we (I have two younger sisters) got older, he distanced himself from us. Almost like he didn’t know how to deal with or want to deal with these teen & pre-teenagers in his house. I do remember his distance. But I guess I associated that with his often working two jobs and the fatigue/stress he had from them. Other people told me how proud he was of me. It never came from the horse’s mouth – except when I got into National Honor Society in high school, and that was only though a smile and a flower arrangement. (And that’s a lot considering the nerd that I was – graduating 8th in my class of 206.) He tried to do a lot for me – but he was really never emotionally or financially able to do much. I somehow was the good kid out of the 3 of us girls – and tried so hard to do well, and please him. I wanted him to be proud of me. I was the helper – the volunteer. But always the contemplative one, as you can tell by my long entries about each chapter. (But you only see these kinds of things in hind-sight….)

What I had repressed were his 2 week stay in a mental institution, his suicide attempts (2 more since I’ve been an adult), his harsh words / accusations / behavior towards me (expecting academic perfection and high moral chastity), and an attempted sexual encounter when I was 15 that I had never told anyone about until I was almost 19 (to my then serious boyfriend).

I don’t think I ever even told my husband until sometime after our daughter was born. Somewhere in that crazy mess of post-partum hormones, it all came to the surface. He knew that my dad and I hadn’t always gotten along – that he was a stubborn man who didn’t have much to say about anything- but had no idea that my father had ever been so unkind and defiling towards me. I saw pure fear and hatred in my husband’s eyes that day. He was driven to protect our new daughter & me at all costs.

When my niece was born 8 years ago, I saw a side of my dad that I’d never seen before. He was SMILING!! (Mom has always called him “Old Stoney Face.”) And was playing with this sweet new life! He still loves that little girl, and I see the same love in his eyes as he delights in my daughter. My mom says that he was always that way with us when we were young…. I just wish I could find out what happened for that joy to wither and die.

Time heals all wounds… and dulls the initial shock and pain of life’s twists & turns. We learn to forgive, but it’s so hard to truly forget. If it’s God’s will for my dad to see my daughter grow and mature into the wonderful woman that I pray she will be, I would welcome the almost “second chance” to see how or why things change. Yeah, I know it’s different when they’re grandkids, but it’s worth a shot.

I am so blessed to see how my husband cherishes, celebrates and loves our little girl –and tells her, every single day. And I pray that one day I can hear my dad tell me that he loves me. But if I never do, I’ve always got my husband (who tells me “I love you” many times a day) and a loving Father in heaven who tells me “I love you,” with every breath I take.

Captivating - Chapter 3

Chapter Three.... hmmm... so what really is the deepest question this chapter has to reveal? Is it whether or not we realize that we have beauty to unveil? Or is it, "Hey Eve - What happened?" Once again I am less than amused with this book. (Although I can really relate to Stasi's grocery store story at the beginning of the chapter - I'm always counting my # of items to avoid women like that!) Regardless - here's a little of what I picked up.

"Eve was inviting, alluring, captivating."
Sounds like your "Ideal Southern Lady." In some ways I feel that pressure when I try to put on a party (which is NOT one of my gifts) - it stresses me out, and it shows! I don't glisten, I SWEAT! Thank goodness I don't live in an area or work in a community with too many moms who turn their nose up at you if you're not the most inviting, alluring, or captivating! (Talk about pressure!!)

The section that talked about how most little girls love playing dress up, asking if they're pretty reminded me of a song my Grandmother loved, and my mother sang to me whenever life got topsy turvy: "Que sera, sera / whatever will be will be / the future's not ours to see / que sera, sera / what will be, will be." (sorry for the lack of Spanish accent marks in the right place - I'm not sure how to do that on Blogspot.)

Fruits of the Fall
To summarize: Man is cursed with futility and failure - a man's worst fear - b/c of Adam. Woman is cursed with loneliness, the urge to control & with [the struggle over] the dominance of men. Huh. I thought it was always childbirth, from what some Sunday school teachers said!

And since I've already admitted I'm no true Southern Belle (just Southern, thank you kindly!) - pardon me for the next few lines to come.... Women I dislike: controlling, dominating, one who doesn't need anyone's help (especially a man), desolate, too vulnerable, needy, always feel like they have to be a in relationship (::cough cough:: my middle sister). These kinds of women exhaust me - drain me - frustrate me - down right tick me off sometimes! Okay, a lot of the time lately. So it was good to read about them in Captivating. All of these women, no mater what polar opposite they may be of the other, are trying to hide their true feelings; their true selves. They are unhappy, no matter what shows on the outside. They are less likely to trust God for what He wills their lives to be. ::sigh:: In the heat of conflict, or the exhaustion of the same old needy story over and over again, it's so easy to be human - instead of being more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlling. (Yes, these are the "Fruits of the Spirit!")

This really was a hard chapter to talk about - it brings up my inadequacies, depression issues, and bad habits that are sometimes easier to solve with worldly ideals. I know I have a lot to say(thanks for reading), but I'm naturally introverted. I often obsess over insequential things (or argue with my husband about the big issues that he obsesses over that don't phase me for some reason). And in my past I have been that woman who tried to control every aspect of her life and the people in it - but I've also been the one that was too needy or vulnerable. It's hard to be a working mom and loving wife/mother, who tries to succeed at everything she does.

So what is the deepest question this chapter had to reveal? I don't think it's that a woman's worst fear is abandonment. That's an over-generalization. (I like being alone - and only wish I had more time to my self.) Maybe the question isn't what beauty do I have to unveil, but what beauty already surrounds me that I haven't embraced?

Captivating - Chapter 2

When I first dived in to Chapter 2 of Captivating, I was reminded of two stories that I remembering countless times as a child: the creation story and Cinderella. From a very early age I learned that God made Eve to be different than Adam – to be his “help meet.” I also learned that sometimes you have to work hard until you reap a great reward (the ball) so that some day your prince will come!

John grabbed me when he said that “The desires of a woman’s heart and the realities of a woman’s life seem an ocean apart.” So we want to be swept off our feet, while we know that life isn’t all fancy balls and glass slippers. (Wow, what a heavy responsibility I suddenly feel for trying to teach my 21 month old daughter how to weigh desire vs. reality as she grows up! YIKES!)

Going back to that word I remember many Sunday school teachers using: “Help meet.” How funny that sounds even today! My husband never calls me his “help meet.” My dad never referred to my mom as his “help meet.” So this is the first occasion I’ve had to learn that the original word was ezer kenegdo: literally a "lifesaver alongside you." WOW. That's a lot to live up to.

What's also a little to much for me was the authors' assertion that woman was God's piece de resistance. I don't think just because woman was made after man, that she is any better than- or any improvement on man.

On the other hand, my voice shouted out a loud "AMEN" when it read how we can "[lose]ourselves in work and worry." ::SIGH::

Okay, to summarize:
1. Beauty is powerful
2. Beauty says "all shall be well"
3. Beauty invites
4. Beauty nourishes
5. Beauty comforts
6. Beauty inspires
7. Beauty is transcendent
. . . . . Most of these characteristics are things that women are naturally attuned to do. It's part of our design.

Hmmmm..... Here's hoping this book really DOES get better.

Captivating - Chapter 1 / Introduction

Thanks to everyone for letting me jump into this cyber-Bible study a few weeks late. Captivating is one of the books that I've had patrons ask for, and have been meaning to read and have never taken the time to. When someone turned it in last week, and it didn't have any holds on the title, I checked it out.

Like every other book I check out, it sat around for a few days on the shelf at home, but I kept getting that nagging feeling to get started on it! (God sure can bug you to death sometimes can't He?) So I read Chapter 1 the other night - and immediately wanted the feedback of other Christian women. I'm so glad I found you all!

I too was a little skeptical of Ch. 1 - sure, I want to be captivating, and thankfully I am in my husband's eyes.... But it took me so long to see it. Developing strength, integrity & grades were the most important things when I was growing up. Not a lot of emphasis on physical beauty - not a lot of money for that either. College started out the same way, but opened my eyes to a whole new world.

I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. Who knew that talking until the wee hours of the morning could enliven the soul so much! Boy did I spread my wings and let my seeking soul try to fly! But my parents had other ideas -and it wasn't until I took a big leap of faith and signed up for grad school & then moved out there that I really had to find out where I stood, what was my own belief - what was my rebellion - what did God will for me?

God has taken me down many paths that weren't exactly enjoyable, but necessary. He's given me things that I didn't understand - only to later learn what treasures they were. But I digress....

So Stasi believes that being made in God's image, distinctly different from our male counterparts, we should rejoice in our desires:

1. To be romanced - I've always been a "hopeless romantic" - thank goodness my hubby can be one too at times! But stress is such a killer to this desire!
2. To play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure - But isn't that just daily life? I know there are SO many more exciting things to come in raising a family - but sometimes I feel like these days are already behind me: when we'd go spelunking, repelling, and on awesome but exhausting mission trips. How often do we have time (and more importantly energy) to do these things?
3. And to unveil beauty - Which is SO hard as a full-time librarian and mommy. I've always been so hard on myself with the way I feel about my appearance. And God knows that - that's my hubby thinks I'm so gorgeous! But the last time I really felt that gorgeous were on our wedding day when he saw me turn the corner to start walking down the aisle, and those first moments when we held our newborn daughter. He was so proud of me -so amazed at my endurance and strength. How honored I felt!

I'll keep reading - to see if I can find ways to feel more captivated on my own (instead of through outside sources). And I'll keep praying for God to show me more of what He needs me to do for him that will bring its own intrinsic rewards.

Thanks for reading. I'll catch up with Chapter 2 tomorrow. <><

Testing... 1... 2... 3...

Myspace has been fun, but I thought I'd try something a little classier and less trendy that you don't have to have a log-in or fancy plug-in software to view or update. So here goes nothing... now presenting:
"The Life & Times of Larissa Root!"

::APPLAUSE::