Life, Love & Other Mysteries

Little Blankie Girls

2011-01-14T09:39:00.000-06:00

So when I said I wasn't going to blog anymore - I may have been lying to myself. I love to share stories: there are just some that don't need to be shared with the whole world!

I found myself called to write to a good friend of mine earlier today about her concern for her two daughters and their blankies. Sure they're getting older, but they're still little girls! Here's what I had to say:

"I still have my blankies - and they did go to college with me! It was a comfort thing - to be able to have something with you when you travel that smells like home. My blankie even helped me learn how God can help us when we pray! When I was little and had lost my blankie, and could not go to bed. I was able to calm down, pray, find my blanket and thank God for helping me to find it!

As I grew older, they became more useful as something to cover eyes when the roommate had the lights on studying late, or to cover my head when it was cold or I had a headache. But I still kept them around.

I think I used my blankies more when I was single in grad school as that thing I could grab onto from my childhood that, like God, could comfort me enough to fall asleep in a strange new town, where I knew no one and had no idea what I was doing, except following God's plan for me.

Champ guarding Maggie Grace, 10/13/04
Did they go on my honeymoon? I don't remember, but Sean says he thinks one did. Must be another thing about them smelling like home!

But in the past 7 years, I'd say they've mostly stayed folded in the back of my pajama drawer, or fallen behind the bed. Talking about them makes me want to find one and snuggle up and take a nap, b/c I can't tell you the last time I snuggled with one.
So us little blankie girls do grow up - and find new ways to cope. And meet the men we are supposed to marry, and make families. We learn to wrap our children in them, and make special blankies for them to carry everywhere and for always.

Just look at my pictures of Maggie Grace. You'll see several Snoopy blankets with satin blanket binding - just like mine. (She called them "slickies.") I made them for her and even at 6 - she can't start the day or end the day without one in her grasp! MG also knows about my special, worn & tattered blankies - and even asks if she can borrow one occasionally when she's feeling sick, sad, or frightened.

So don't worry about your sweet girls and their blankies. There’s a lot of love stored up in that old piece of cloth last them all their days!
Love you!
-Larissa"

2010-10-22T09:45:00.002-05:00

Not sure what I want to put on this page anymore.... so I guess it will have to stay blank a little longer. Because if I put out here what's really on my mind/heart lately - I think I'd be too vulnerable to flames & just too many people knowing my business. ::sigh:: damn web 2.0

Back to Blogging / Vivid Dream

2010-09-03T10:02:00.002-05:00

I volunteered to sit on the front desk for our DOFI (Director of First Impressions – yes, I know it’s a cheesy name, but think about the responsibility that comes with that title- WOW!) –so while it’s still raining and quiet, and all the admissions reps are in a meeting, I’m bored.

So you can tell that I’m back to blogging – yes fans – wow, I think I have one – I am hereby committing to incessant rambling on-line and choose to not punctuate or capitalize correctly! HA! Take that grammar police! I’m going to make this my free-willed, free-loving, whatever-comes-outta-my-big-mouth BLOG! BLEH!!!

Back to being bored…
I had a series of vivid dreams last night. Yes, they were 1st person as they usually go – and here’s the series of events.
I was in my mother’s kitchen back in their old house on Broadway. She was complaining about cooking some kind of cake that was taking forever in the oven. I asked if it was gluten free- b/c they usually take much longer to cook that your regular variety. Next thing I know, I’m rummaging through the old big green refrigerator and all there are are donuts in there! Donuts! So I start to scarf a couple of them down. Then I’m mixing a tiny little cake batter that won’t combine wet & dry mixtures very well- and look on a box that says I can cook it in the microwave? Really? And get this- it’s the old microwave that we had forever – that I ended up having with me in grad school that had no timer – and was circa 1984 when we got it one Christmas? Weird. So I tell it has to cook 34 minutes and look the timer is finally working! (Or some timer-like thing on top of the microwave that’s now digital) And if she’d please take care of it for me – so I get more donuts that I know I’m not supposed to eat and leave the Broadway house – only there’s just one car in the driveway and it’s not my car- and where are everyone else’s cars plus the extra two that don’t work or no one drives that are usually in the driveway.

And apparently I was playing hooky from work in this dream too, b/c I had both my work and car keys in my pocket – and hadn’t called my boss. Then I’m in this movie theater with the lights on – with scattered chairs and lots of walking room sitting near my former finance from college. And I was telling him how I saw his family picture on facebook and how great it was (lying through my teeth). (aka – his second wife, that he met while married to his first wife – whom he knocked up and married pretty soon after the divorce was final. OUCH! Sound familiar readers? Yep – the first wife was the one he started seeing while he was engaged to ME! Notice a pattern? I feel sorry for his little girl.) And then I see my boss in the movie and she comes over and says hi, and I try NOT to introduce who I’m talking with. But we never watch a movie and next thing I know I’m in house with very little furniture and nasty yellow walls. Very spacious, bare & simple. I know it’s their house. And they’re all just sitting around the table, seems like they just finished eating. And they’ve got two kids now- and I never see the baby girl from the pictures, just some little boy. And he’s the size of a one year old, and baby talks with a baritone voice… but they say he’s 6 months old. And they have this multi-tiered pool in their back yard where at 11 at night there’s little toddlers doing some kind of organized water aerobics –and they’ve all got little floaties on their arms and they’re in rings. And just as I question what in the world they are doing with children up so late, all these other moms flood into the house and I can’t ask.

So I wander around the house, and I see this Willow Tree-like, 3’ x 4’ stone board with their family tree –and near Dave’s name it says LARISSA – 3/1/98. And just as I start to question, his new wife appears and says – Well, you’re a part of our story. Dave committed his life to you first, and your relationship was important to him. But you’ve got the date wrong. It started going downhill on 3/17/98 when he said we should postpone our wedding date. Then I notice a date on a mirror written in green dry erase marker with some name and another date in 2001 and I know it’s someone in her life that led her to Dave. And I’m okay with that. Then Dave’s coming out of a bathroom on the left in towel –an d it’s old skinny Dave, and I look away. Ewh.

Later I’m in some kind of evening dress – on crooked, can’t get the chest part on right – and I’m feeling hung over. Then I’m lounging around this puke and mustard yellow house of theirs and there’s lots of pillows and dark wood. Everyone’s got a drink but me. (This part of the dream I KNOW where it’s from – it’s from the Christine Lahti episode of Law & Order that was on TV just before bed.) And just when I feel like the whole world is judging me and only knows Dave’s side of our story – I’m in some weird room, that becomes a shower, and I start shaving my legs. And I still have the sequined, misfitting dress on? (Glad it has a nigh slit) Just as I’m done, his wife comes in and is talking to another woman about me, judging me, and OOPS- I’m there and listening. So I leave.

And it was 5:40am on the clock as I woke up.

Normally, I don’t dream this vividly or even remember as many details – if any, at all! It’s almost like while I was dreaming I was telling myself “Be sure you remember every detail, okay?” The being in someone’s strange house with lots of yellow probably has to do with my mom’s kitchen (yellow cabinets, yellow curtains) –and the big strange house may be from watching BigBrother last night. Who knows… how weird….

Result : I’m exhausted writing this – and thinking about it.

To blog... or not to blog...

2010-08-18T15:13:00.002-05:00

I've been making anything Web 2.0 a bigger part of my life lately... got away from this b/c of hateful comments left on my blog in late 2008. Whatever. If you put it out there in public- I guess it's for anyone to read, right? Then again, I could always stick to facebook and twitter, but isn't this more interesting for larger posts?

What do you think? And to the hateful commenter out there - bring it on!

I am Thankful For...

2008-11-26T09:38:00.006-06:00

Life freely lived, and for my Father in Heaven who gave it to me. For my husband Sean, my daughter Margaret Grace, our silly puppies, and the home that we have made. For our amazing church community, our extended family, and the memories of those that have already departed from us. For our good jobs, reliable transportation, and wonderful caregivers. I am thankful that we have enough food that we can always make room for one or two more, and enough time that we can give to someone else. For the art, music & words that inspire us, the freedoms that abound in this great nation, and the love that we are called to share with the world. Amen.

Pats on the Back!

2008-11-18T19:04:00.003-06:00

Wow. I'm beside myself! I just got paid some of the nicest compliments about my little library I maintain at work!

Consultants from a company that works with schools are are seeking accreditation from higher education boards (like ACCSCT & ACICS) has been here conducting an mock accreditation process this week. We just closed with a meeting of all the managers where we discussed where we need improvements, fine-tuning, etc. And in it, both of the consultants paid me and my library such praise! :: BIG GRINS :: And after the meeting, the two Corporate ladies, seconded the emotion - saying how inviting and engaging it is!

It's not often I get to toot my own horn, or even that someone does it for me - because I have a thankless job. People EXPECT me to be helpful and give them information, computer assistance, and keep this place up to date, organized and clean. So to hear both from the consultants and the folks from corporate - WOW! I'm tickled pink! :)

Faith

2008-11-11T18:24:00.002-06:00

I'm a person with great faith in the world and everything in it. I've never feared the economy, wars, or extreme weather. Even in the worst situations, I know that everything will work out somehow - even if we don't' understand how it's even possible in the here and now. I guess that's why I've never worried much either.

A wise, former pastor of mine once preached a sermon on Faith. And in it, he asked us what is the opposite of Faith? Disbelief? Distrust? No. The opposite of FAITH is FEAR.

It really caught me off guard. Through the many dangers, toils, & snares of my short life, I have never had true fear. 9/11? Severe storms? High gas prices? Troubled economy? All I do is pray and trust. Trust and pray.

The world says we should worry. The world says if we're too trusting, we'll be labeled as gullible or naive and end up being hurt by someone or something (which can be very true).

But if we are to be God's children and trust Him for all our decisions - knowing that His will and His plan are in place, then we ultimately are okay - right?

Don't know why I've got such deep thoughts on the brain tonight....

I finally found a picture to descibe my mood today....

2008-11-05T12:07:00.003-06:00

Befuddled and Disheartened

2008-11-05T08:33:00.003-06:00

So I had to break the news to Maggie Grace this morning that Sarah Palin had "lost the race." I not sure how much of all this she comprehends- other than there was a contest or race between two guys (and a girl she likes).

When I told her Obama had won, and that we wouldn't be seeing a lot of John McCain & Sarah Palin on TV any more, she got mad and asked, "Why?"

"Because just like Mommy and Daddy- every other adult got to go vote yesterday. And more people liked Obama than McCain."

"Oh...... Well, BOOO OBAMA!" she said.

"No Maggie, we can't say that. This man is going to be our next President, whether we voted for him or not."

"Well, Daddy says Boo Obama."

"I know sweetie, I didn't vote for him either, but we have to be nice about this and pray for him anyway."

"Well, I still say Booo 'Bama."

::sigh:: The little gears in her head are turning, through her simple logic & following her Daddy's "guidance." Me, I'm praying for our nation now more than ever with unceasing urgency that God has put hand on this and other elections - that unity may come about, and the underlying spirit of fear that surrounds Obama's socialist views may be fought with the sword of truth. Amen.

10 months later / Election Day

2008-11-04T17:52:00.008-06:00

If 10 months have passed- and I haven't posted a single thing, does that means that nothing has happened? Far be THAT from the truth.

In March, I quit my job of 6+ years and took a new librarian position.
In April, we swapped pre-schools for Maggie Grace, and it's been WONDERFUL ever since.
In May, I retired my car of 9 years and got a new little red Chevy Aveo LT on my birthday. Thirty-two years. Weird. That seems so old.
In June, I didn't do summer reading for the first time in 7 years.
In July, ditto to that.
In August, I became widow to the building of an arbor at church - that kept my husband busy (or exhausted) more often than not.
In September, ditto to the arbor - and MG started Catechises!
In October, MG turned 4, camped out for the first time as a family in 38 degree weather on our 5 year anniversary, and MG had her first REAL trick-or-treating experience (blisters and all)!

And now it's November - and I wish I'd been blogging all this time to record those little weird things that Maggie Grace says or does.

* * * * * * * * *

So here's two little election related stories about Maggie:

MG's very observant about the news or when we're talking with other adults about Politics. As early as 3 months ago, she would see a picture of either Senator McCain or Senator Obama on TV or one of their campaign signs in a yard and scream "It's John McCain," or "That house likes Obama." But for the longest time, she kept saying "OH-mama" instead of Obama. Too cute! And when she sees a really BIG sign for either candidate, she says, "They REALLY like McCain at that house."

And when Sarah Palin came on the scene as a vice-presidential candidate, Maggie really took to her - saying how pretty she was, and how she liked her glasses. Even as clips were show during prime-time NBC TV of Tina Fey impersonating her, MG would scream, "It's Sarah Palin!" So you can imagine her joy when the other morning we got a phone call - it played out something like this:

(Ring Ring) - "Maggie, can you get the phone for Mommy?"

(MG answers phone) "Hello?" A lady on the other end (apparently from a polling place) was talking about voting for Sen John McCain and Gov. Sarah Palin.

As I'm walking over the the phone, realizing that it's not her Daddy or another family member on the line, she screams, "Mommy! It's Sarah Palin on the phone! It's Sarah Palin!"

I took the phone from her. The voice on the other end explains that she was from so-and-so group and wanted to encourage us to vote for McCain/Palin in the upcoming election. I told her that we had both already Early Voted, but thanked her for calling, and said goodbye.

Tears start pouring down my sweet one's face, "MOMMY! You didn't let me talk to Sarah Palin!" I dried her tears and tried to explain.... but she was still convinced that Sarah Palin called to talk to her! :)

Musings on a Rainy Afternoon

2008-01-10T14:42:00.000-06:00

Right now it's raining cats & dogs - thunder - lightening - the WORKS! It's been doing this for over an hour. So much that I'm fearful of the little cats, dogs, and other woodland creatures that are without shelter. With the hard cold ground, some may be swept away by a flash flood!

I really do have random thoughts like this just run through my head. And besides, I'm really bored, just sitting here on the desk with everyone avoiding the rain. I think I deserve a little daydreaming now and then. The same people that were trying to leave more than 1/2 an hour ago are pacing now, willing the rain to stop. I think they're bored too. Possibly frustrated that they forgot their umbrella, or are afraid to drive in this mess due to their vision, have poor traction on their tires, or some other malady.

Honestly, I will enjoy 3:30 when it comes and I can eat my sandwich, listen to the rain, and perhaps take a nap.

All I gotta say is...

2007-10-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

CONGRATULATIONS 2007 WORLD CHAMPIONS!

What I've Learned...

2007-10-24T22:07:00.000-05:00

In 4 years of marriage I've learned:

To mean what you say, but think before you say what you really mean
The definition of micromanical
To always start and end the day with hugs and kisses no matter how frustrated you are with the other person
That Baseball can actually be interesting and addicting!
That earplugs really come in handy for sleeping

In 3 years of being a Mommy I've learned:

That sometimes it's okay to wear your clothes/shoes inside out or backwards
That crayola markers don't come out of suede
What poop looks like smeared on a wall
What people mean by "breath-taking moments"

Living Up to My Own Expectations

2007-10-09T14:24:00.000-05:00

I've always been a planner... goal-writer... dream-maker. But I've never been the best at following through. No one could have ever called me "Most Dependable" in high school, but luckily over time (and thousands of deadlines) you learn to work harder at getting things done way before deadline and actually completing all of the things to do on your list.

But I wouldn't say that I was a pessimist either. There are those in my life who always question why I'm the first to play "devil's advocate," but that's just me being me: keeping my tip-toes on the ground while my head's in the clouds. Doesn't make very much sense does it?

I've only got a few days to decide if I want to go on a retreat with the youth at church in a few weekends. I'm leaning toward no, since my whole heart isn't in it. I just don't feel like I'm a part of that group, or that I'm supposed to, but I'll do my duty to my Sunday morning commitment.

Still tired from Maggie's 3-day birthday weekend extravaganza. Honestly I felt like this poor little cupcake yesterday: exhausted and burning at both ends (well, sorta). Just tired of being tired, that's all.
I always wanted to have a child - and I'm lucky that I've been blessed with one. She's a happy girl & I'm so glad she's mine.

We looked at pictures of her birth and first week of life last night. The first picture in the album is actually of me, in the hospital gown, IV in my arm, wet washcloth on my head, looking rough, but smiling. After we had gone through all of the pictures, she wanted to "read" them again - like she does with all of her books that we read at night. She began to read aloud: "Once upon a time, Mommy wasn't feeling good in bed, and had a pillow under her head." :) Man, I love that little girl of mine!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAGGIE GRACE!

Big Slick

2007-09-17T10:09:00.000-05:00

Hey - this book comes out tomorrow! If you're a teen and you like watching Poker on TV - or are daring enough to go "all in" and play it for real, then you'll love Big Slick by Eric Luper.

And look what talent and humor this author has - he's made a "house of cards" into a house of books! AND he's got FREE signed copies to give away, just by checking out his blog and making a comment on a a funny poker picture! Check it out! http://eluper.livejournal.com/34819.html

The deadline is THIS Thursday, Sept 20th - so get a move on!!

BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS!

2007-09-13T13:50:00.000-05:00

It seems to be my only escape from the world lately. I plug in my mp3 player and start listening. Now granted, they have all been YA books lately, but I'm willing to branch out if I can find a good downloadable audiobook that's not YA. Finding being the keyword. Here's just a taste of what I've been listening to this month:

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
New Moon by Stephenie Meyer
The Astonishing Adventures of FanBoy & Goth Girl by Barry Lyga
Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
Pants on Fire by Meg Cabot
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants by Ann Brashares

Goofy, hormonal, teen books really make the crazy adult life that I live every day a little less serious. Plus I'm helping teens with their reading preferences. Next on my list - another guy book (like FanBoy & Goth Girl): The Extraordinary Adventures of Alfred Kropp by Rick Yancey. It's sort of a modern-day Arthurian legend book that will be a good recommend for guys with an adventure addiction & and Harry Potter hang up. (yes, I'm still sad that it's over too...)

And just to add my two cents in... why do books no longer just have "Adventures?" It was good enough for Huckleberry Finn & Sherlock Holmes, but apparently not enough for FanBoy & Alfred Kropp. :)

Catching up ::sigh::

2007-09-11T18:46:00.000-05:00

I was thinking just today how every time I think to update this crazy blog, I pause, look at it and think, "Oh, well, maybe later," and I close the screen and move onto something else. Well, honestly, I need to do something else so I'm not so bored and can appear busy for at least a few minutes while working in between questions on Ye Ole Desk of Reference.

So what's been going on the 5+ months since I last posted something?
#1. I'm officially an Anglican-Episcopalian. Yes, I cleave to the knowledge and conviction that what I'm committed to is a more Anglican approach (perhaps without all the allegiance to the Queen of England) - and since I'm really undecided on whether TEC (The Episcopal Church - in the United States) should split down the line, I'm baffled. But I loved & survived the learning process. Father Randy & Dixon were a great team. I recommend their class to anyone curious about becoming an Anglican - heck Episcopalian, b/c that's what I did when I got confirmed: it's in the liturgy!

#2. God answers prayers, because the day after I was confirmed, I got a new job assignment: To be a young adult librarian out at the Hermitage Library! I was out of East that Saturday with a spring in my step. Working under that boss REALLY challenged the whole "love thine enemies." I'm glad to be here, even if it is 17 miles one way to work! UGH! And with Gas prices rarely dropping below $2.60...

#3. I'm working with teenagers. The one age group that I used to sware I'd never work with b/c it took a special kind of person (I was thinking "teacher" back then) to work with them (and love them even more than you think is possible). I got a lot of training back in my wilder days at East, and remembered the challenges I was asked to face in working with teens on retreats while I was in grad school - but the rewards were outstanding.

Now if only I can get them into the library - but I'm afraid that's another story for another blog. :)

Blah Blah Blog

2007-04-29T11:50:00.000-05:00

Well, I never did finish that on-line Bible study of Captivating. I read a few more chapters, and didn't post on them. Sure it made me think, but I argued too much with it anyway.

So here I am now 7 months later, in a new church - which we found right about the time I stopped that silly book! Go God! And now it's time to blog bigger things: CONFIRMATION! ::dunh dun dunnnn::

Captivating - Ch. 6

2006-08-23T12:26:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm struggling along - trying to keep up with myself... and losing the battle. I've read through Ch.8 so keep reading everyone!

Okay. We're still trudging through, when along comes Ch. 6 "Healing the Wound."

Let me tell you - I know all about this one! I'm a survivor, baby! Jesus has healed my broken heart - and broke my spirit further with His Grace. He took me from a world where I thought I had everything figured out, and ripped it all away until there was just me, and just Him - and I had to look at the core of who I really was, and finally ask Him who he wanted me to be.

You know how in the 23rd Psalm, people LOVE to proclaim the great power of God's healing and helpful touch. You can hear it in their voices when they're reciting it- but when they get to that part about the "valley of the shadow of death" is when you can see who among them has BEEN in the valley and has cried out to God "Why have you forsaken me?" - only to know that he is right there beside us - sometimes even carrying us- the whole way!!! This brokenness- this living in the wilderness off of the land, is Grace too!!

I had the opportunity to hear an incredible sermon on this very topic: "The Other Side of Grace." And for some of you, you may know exactly what I'm talking about. For others, the concept of God's wrath, anger, and pride about us may seem really foreign. I'm no prophetic speaker, so let me let you hear this same sermon. Take 20 minutes while you're folding laundry and just listen. http://www.valleydale.org/templates/cusvalleydalernd/details.asp?id=32803&PID=295764&Style=#Smith (then click on "The Other Side of Grace")

I've been really blessed that when I was in the Valley - God brought me friends to sit on the side of the road with me (like Job) and just be with me. I had so many opportunities for self-discovery and realized that with God I was truly happy like never ever before. But it's a daily walk with Him, not just those glorious mountaintop experiences. And that's why I'm grateful for the opportune with you sisters, in whatever wild media format we may find ourselves in. I get such great insight (and can commiserate) with your experiences and musings on your blogs, and I don't tell you enough.

And as much as I criticize this book for its colloquialisms, literary and theatrical references- there was one part that hit home in the middle of page 107:
There is a core part of our tender hearts that was made for Daddy. Made for his strong and tender love. That part is still there, and longing. Open it to Jesus and to your Father God. Ask Him to come and love you there. Meet you there. We've all tried so hard to find the fufillment of this love in other people, and it never, ever works. Let us give this treasure back to the One who can love us best.
Amen.

Captivating - Ch.5: Blah, Blah, Blah

2006-08-09T21:49:00.000-05:00

This chapter talks all about the ill treatment of women through time and that continues throughout the world today. It poses the question: "Where does this hatred for women seen all over the world come from? Why is it so diabolical?

::aside::
di·a·bol·i·cal adj. Of, concerning, or characteristic of the devil; satanic. Appropriate to a devil, especially in degree of wickedness or cruelty. [From Middle English deabolik, from Old French diabolique, from Late Latin diabolicus, from Latin diabolus, devil. See devil.]

So the devil hates feminity?

Is that the point John & Stasi are trying to make in this chapter?

Ummm.... okay. Whatever.

Can't say that I have much more to say about this chapter. Blah... blah.... blah....

Captivating - Chapter 4

2006-08-01T14:56:00.000-05:00

I’ve had my doubts about whether or not I should post this on my blog – but now that I’ve written it all down, I’m at peace with every event you’re about to read. It’s part of what makes me, me. And that is exactly who God wants me to be. Thanks for reading.

“How a father relates to his daughter has an enormous effect on her soul – for good or for evil.” -page 62,Captivating

Ever see a movie or hear a story that hits a little too close to home? Yeah. That was me and Chapter 4.

When I was almost 20, 2 years into my bachelor's degree in Education, I had to take 2 or three developmental and educational physchology classes one after another. Somewhere in that first class, I started have these memories of my childhood come back to me. (I believe "supressed" is the technical term.) And most of those memories had to do with my relationship to my dad.

I remember him being around as a kid. He worked long hours from what I was told, but I remember him fixing a swing set for us in the back yard – crawling up under the house to run telephone lines- going up in the attic to put up or pull down boxes or some other junk – him horsing around with the dogs in the back yard – holding the light for him while he worked on cars. Him always taking tub baths & watching MASH on his little 8 inch screen black & white TV while in the tub. He was a cop, a truck driver, a pawn shop worker, a janitor, a groundskeeper, a retail salesman (at Radio Shack, Auto Zone, Lowe’s), and worked in a warehouse. (And all that was before I was 18 or 20.)

But as we (I have two younger sisters) got older, he distanced himself from us. Almost like he didn’t know how to deal with or want to deal with these teen & pre-teenagers in his house. I do remember his distance. But I guess I associated that with his often working two jobs and the fatigue/stress he had from them. Other people told me how proud he was of me. It never came from the horse’s mouth – except when I got into National Honor Society in high school, and that was only though a smile and a flower arrangement. (And that’s a lot considering the nerd that I was – graduating 8th in my class of 206.) He tried to do a lot for me – but he was really never emotionally or financially able to do much. I somehow was the good kid out of the 3 of us girls – and tried so hard to do well, and please him. I wanted him to be proud of me. I was the helper – the volunteer. But always the contemplative one, as you can tell by my long entries about each chapter. (But you only see these kinds of things in hind-sight….)

What I had repressed were his 2 week stay in a mental institution, his suicide attempts (2 more since I’ve been an adult), his harsh words / accusations / behavior towards me (expecting academic perfection and high moral chastity), and an attempted sexual encounter when I was 15 that I had never told anyone about until I was almost 19 (to my then serious boyfriend).

I don’t think I ever even told my husband until sometime after our daughter was born. Somewhere in that crazy mess of post-partum hormones, it all came to the surface. He knew that my dad and I hadn’t always gotten along – that he was a stubborn man who didn’t have much to say about anything- but had no idea that my father had ever been so unkind and defiling towards me. I saw pure fear and hatred in my husband’s eyes that day. He was driven to protect our new daughter & me at all costs.

When my niece was born 8 years ago, I saw a side of my dad that I’d never seen before. He was SMILING!! (Mom has always called him “Old Stoney Face.”) And was playing with this sweet new life! He still loves that little girl, and I see the same love in his eyes as he delights in my daughter. My mom says that he was always that way with us when we were young…. I just wish I could find out what happened for that joy to wither and die.

Time heals all wounds… and dulls the initial shock and pain of life’s twists & turns. We learn to forgive, but it’s so hard to truly forget. If it’s God’s will for my dad to see my daughter grow and mature into the wonderful woman that I pray she will be, I would welcome the almost “second chance” to see how or why things change. Yeah, I know it’s different when they’re grandkids, but it’s worth a shot.

I am so blessed to see how my husband cherishes, celebrates and loves our little girl –and tells her, every single day. And I pray that one day I can hear my dad tell me that he loves me. But if I never do, I’ve always got my husband (who tells me “I love you” many times a day) and a loving Father in heaven who tells me “I love you,” with every breath I take.

Captivating - Chapter 3

2006-07-28T12:33:00.000-05:00

Chapter Three.... hmmm... so what really is the deepest question this chapter has to reveal? Is it whether or not we realize that we have beauty to unveil? Or is it, "Hey Eve - What happened?" Once again I am less than amused with this book. (Although I can really relate to Stasi's grocery store story at the beginning of the chapter - I'm always counting my # of items to avoid women like that!) Regardless - here's a little of what I picked up.

"Eve was inviting, alluring, captivating."
Sounds like your "Ideal Southern Lady." In some ways I feel that pressure when I try to put on a party (which is NOT one of my gifts) - it stresses me out, and it shows! I don't glisten, I SWEAT! Thank goodness I don't live in an area or work in a community with too many moms who turn their nose up at you if you're not the most inviting, alluring, or captivating! (Talk about pressure!!)

The section that talked about how most little girls love playing dress up, asking if they're pretty reminded me of a song my Grandmother loved, and my mother sang to me whenever life got topsy turvy: "Que sera, sera / whatever will be will be / the future's not ours to see / que sera, sera / what will be, will be." (sorry for the lack of Spanish accent marks in the right place - I'm not sure how to do that on Blogspot.)

Fruits of the Fall
To summarize: Man is cursed with futility and failure - a man's worst fear - b/c of Adam. Woman is cursed with loneliness, the urge to control & with [the struggle over] the dominance of men. Huh. I thought it was always childbirth, from what some Sunday school teachers said!

And since I've already admitted I'm no true Southern Belle (just Southern, thank you kindly!) - pardon me for the next few lines to come.... Women I dislike: controlling, dominating, one who doesn't need anyone's help (especially a man), desolate, too vulnerable, needy, always feel like they have to be a in relationship (::cough cough:: my middle sister). These kinds of women exhaust me - drain me - frustrate me - down right tick me off sometimes! Okay, a lot of the time lately. So it was good to read about them in Captivating. All of these women, no mater what polar opposite they may be of the other, are trying to hide their true feelings; their true selves. They are unhappy, no matter what shows on the outside. They are less likely to trust God for what He wills their lives to be. ::sigh:: In the heat of conflict, or the exhaustion of the same old needy story over and over again, it's so easy to be human - instead of being more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlling. (Yes, these are the "Fruits of the Spirit!")

This really was a hard chapter to talk about - it brings up my inadequacies, depression issues, and bad habits that are sometimes easier to solve with worldly ideals. I know I have a lot to say(thanks for reading), but I'm naturally introverted. I often obsess over insequential things (or argue with my husband about the big issues that he obsesses over that don't phase me for some reason). And in my past I have been that woman who tried to control every aspect of her life and the people in it - but I've also been the one that was too needy or vulnerable. It's hard to be a working mom and loving wife/mother, who tries to succeed at everything she does.

So what is the deepest question this chapter had to reveal? I don't think it's that a woman's worst fear is abandonment. That's an over-generalization. (I like being alone - and only wish I had more time to my self.) Maybe the question isn't what beauty do I have to unveil, but what beauty already surrounds me that I haven't embraced?

Captivating - Chapter 2

2006-07-24T22:10:00.000-05:00

When I first dived in to Chapter 2 of Captivating, I was reminded of two stories that I remembering countless times as a child: the creation story and Cinderella. From a very early age I learned that God made Eve to be different than Adam – to be his “help meet.” I also learned that sometimes you have to work hard until you reap a great reward (the ball) so that some day your prince will come!

John grabbed me when he said that “The desires of a woman’s heart and the realities of a woman’s life seem an ocean apart.” So we want to be swept off our feet, while we know that life isn’t all fancy balls and glass slippers. (Wow, what a heavy responsibility I suddenly feel for trying to teach my 21 month old daughter how to weigh desire vs. reality as she grows up! YIKES!)

Going back to that word I remember many Sunday school teachers using: “Help meet.” How funny that sounds even today! My husband never calls me his “help meet.” My dad never referred to my mom as his “help meet.” So this is the first occasion I’ve had to learn that the original word was ezer kenegdo: literally a "lifesaver alongside you." WOW. That's a lot to live up to.

What's also a little to much for me was the authors' assertion that woman was God's piece de resistance. I don't think just because woman was made after man, that she is any better than- or any improvement on man.

On the other hand, my voice shouted out a loud "AMEN" when it read how we can "[lose]ourselves in work and worry." ::SIGH::

Okay, to summarize:
1. Beauty is powerful
2. Beauty says "all shall be well"
3. Beauty invites
4. Beauty nourishes
5. Beauty comforts
6. Beauty inspires
7. Beauty is transcendent
. . . . . Most of these characteristics are things that women are naturally attuned to do. It's part of our design.

Hmmmm..... Here's hoping this book really DOES get better.

Captivating - Chapter 1 / Introduction

2006-07-21T00:27:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone for letting me jump into this cyber-Bible study a few weeks late. Captivating is one of the books that I've had patrons ask for, and have been meaning to read and have never taken the time to. When someone turned it in last week, and it didn't have any holds on the title, I checked it out.

Like every other book I check out, it sat around for a few days on the shelf at home, but I kept getting that nagging feeling to get started on it! (God sure can bug you to death sometimes can't He?) So I read Chapter 1 the other night - and immediately wanted the feedback of other Christian women. I'm so glad I found you all!

I too was a little skeptical of Ch. 1 - sure, I want to be captivating, and thankfully I am in my husband's eyes.... But it took me so long to see it. Developing strength, integrity & grades were the most important things when I was growing up. Not a lot of emphasis on physical beauty - not a lot of money for that either. College started out the same way, but opened my eyes to a whole new world.

I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. Who knew that talking until the wee hours of the morning could enliven the soul so much! Boy did I spread my wings and let my seeking soul try to fly! But my parents had other ideas -and it wasn't until I took a big leap of faith and signed up for grad school & then moved out there that I really had to find out where I stood, what was my own belief - what was my rebellion - what did God will for me?

God has taken me down many paths that weren't exactly enjoyable, but necessary. He's given me things that I didn't understand - only to later learn what treasures they were. But I digress....

So Stasi believes that being made in God's image, distinctly different from our male counterparts, we should rejoice in our desires:

1. To be romanced - I've always been a "hopeless romantic" - thank goodness my hubby can be one too at times! But stress is such a killer to this desire!
2. To play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure - But isn't that just daily life? I know there are SO many more exciting things to come in raising a family - but sometimes I feel like these days are already behind me: when we'd go spelunking, repelling, and on awesome but exhausting mission trips. How often do we have time (and more importantly energy) to do these things?
3. And to unveil beauty - Which is SO hard as a full-time librarian and mommy. I've always been so hard on myself with the way I feel about my appearance. And God knows that - that's my hubby thinks I'm so gorgeous! But the last time I really felt that gorgeous were on our wedding day when he saw me turn the corner to start walking down the aisle, and those first moments when we held our newborn daughter. He was so proud of me -so amazed at my endurance and strength. How honored I felt!

I'll keep reading - to see if I can find ways to feel more captivated on my own (instead of through outside sources). And I'll keep praying for God to show me more of what He needs me to do for him that will bring its own intrinsic rewards.

Thanks for reading. I'll catch up with Chapter 2 tomorrow. <><

Testing... 1... 2... 3...

2006-07-21T00:05:00.000-05:00

Myspace has been fun, but I thought I'd try something a little classier and less trendy that you don't have to have a log-in or fancy plug-in software to view or update. So here goes nothing... now presenting:
"The Life & Times of Larissa Root!"

::APPLAUSE::